Aloneness

That is what describes me best.

I have looked my whole life for that part of the puzzle that would. Make me fit in.

Childhood memories of being different and not having a single friend. My family especially my mom shielding me from the hurtful words of others.

Those who tell you as you age you will grow out of those feelings. Perhaps I did when I accepted the worlds plan for me. Go to the right school, get a normal job.

Many years of accepting their limited views of me. Just as many doing my own thing. The feelings of aloneness are with me once more.

I am older. I am not as thin or glamorous as the ones the world loves. Though I once was ! My age and lupus make it nearly impossible to be the size the world dictates. I had dental work, the antibiotics cause my inflammation to become. Swollen and uncomfortable. Not how I want to look or feel. The heat, the stress, the demands of work.I have led my life with strong desire to make a positive impact on wherever I am. Create groups and harmony. Write when no one wants to listen.

Make the environment better give a voice to the problems. All I ever wanted was to belong and all these years later I am feeling a sense of aloneness that nothing seems to heal.

Nothing makes me feel like I belong even if when I don’t belong. Too old, too fat, too smart,or too stupid, too independent, too clingy so my aloneness I must embrace . Perhaps the impact of good things I hope to leave on this world will one day be realized. When it is too late to let me belong.