Like a Diamond

This was written back in 2004 when I went. To a poetry group every other week as a form of therapy.

I open my heart.

It’s an open page and I am trying to cleanse my heart of pain as I reflect on the events that brought me to this page.

I cannot live with him.

With that aggressive behavior it will take time to undo our dynamic. I have tried being quiet, being loud. Being indifferent,

Culture,family,experience has forced his hand to believe he is valid in his wrath. I was so devoted and. Little by little those he galavanted and was intimate with touched my life.

In the beginning there was peace. Later nothing but terrorizing,abusing,cursing, striking. The time together grew love and grew the violence.

I asked myself. Why??? I did not deserve this. He tried to convince me that I was subhuman, only fit for use.

Perhaps it wasn’t the intention. Hearing those words nightly made it so. He went home to his family to “heal”. Though I was the one abused.

Each time I searched for that pure love that resides in my heart. As soon as my heart was open to him, he would run the other way.

Telling about his future with someone else or explain and compare me to the girls of the past.Why? Why he couldn’t see the diamond that I am. Strong brilliant. That’s what attracted him and that’s what he wanted to destroy.

So I recovered as I always do. Barely held together with kindness and hope. He either saw the other women openly or secretly . Knowing it would hurt me. Then berate me for feeling hurt.

I am made of diamond under my sugar coating. I ,as soul, cannot be destroyed, or hurt beyond repair. I recover, as I always do.

My question to myself: why do I keep tossing myself back to be destroyed? What purpose does that serve?

Yanni said to me: I am a diamond to treasure. My mistake was to put myself in the hands of one who kept dropping me in the mud.

I am stubborn. I thought maybe once he took a good look as I polished my stone, he would treasure my brightness, jewel that I am.

Yes I know we are all jewels and most have an inner Light that shines through.

I did see that shining brightness within him too, I treasured it hoping one day that he would realize he had brightness too, and treat me better.

Sometimes miracles are hard to come by.

I didn’t want things.

You can keep stuff you can lose stuff.

What’s important to me. Is love and what’s in my soul. I forgive and forget. This time I will go to the jewel box to be treasured, instead of thrown in the mud.

Appreciating with the time.