Return to Inner sense

“ Return to Innocence” a song by Enigma.

Love that word enigma! I write this as I return to my inner senses. Innocence has been lost long ago. I am still here BECAUSE I TRUST MY INNER SENSES.

The pen cleanses the soul. My early years were full of wonder and introspection, imagination, and the pursuit of knowledge. Especially science, understanding the world we live in brought such joy to my inner senses.

I think the laundry list of experiences I endured that brought such pain, is a good way to erase them from my soul. Experimenting in my teens with substances. Had to prove to that vicious crowd that I wasn’t only a nerd. The consequences of not joining in, meant physical fights so that I became a “bad girl”.

Graduation from HS early. At 16 made it not so easy to fit in. At the engineering school, there were many of us. I remember a physics Ph.D. student who was 16. Our school had many brilliant students. Two classmates of mine a chemist and a physicist, who like me learned to drive senior year of college. Innocence is bliss!

The loss of virginity and innocence that year was traumatic. It made me prove to the world, not only was I smart but fun and sexy. In retaliation, I hunted men the way that they hunted girls. I then discovered my husband. Who had been right there all along? He was fun, exotic, and had similar interests. It was the first time I felt loved and treasured.

Graduation from college got me a lab job I loved. Devoting. Hours to understand the word. On the microscopic level, being a part of a new field of exploration thrilled me. I inherited my family’s passion for innovation.

The Greek years I was married, I learned many things like village life, sailing, Greek, and opening a successful business, working with the creative part of my soul.

The success caused the divorce. My desire to be part of the mainstream Athens world added to the conflict to the pull of the family. For me to stop working, have babies, and surrender my personal freedom to my in-laws. Giving up my freedom didn’t make sense at a soul level, I trusted my inner sense.

I began to hike to the mountains, improve my Greek, rediscover my connection to God. My neighbor introduced me to the philosophy of Eckankar and it changed my world. Finally, there were explanations for my deep soul dreams.

I began to trust that spirit would bring me the lessons I needed. I sold off the bakery, met Mikhail, scaled my business to be one that would be more in tune with and harmony in the circle of musicians I was in.

The posts in Mykonos and Rodos made me see the other side of labor. I was treated like possession and worked 18–20 hrs a day. Then walking away from it all and going to Texas, to be with my family, and see my nephew for the first time. I worked in art and food. My tastes for the adventure of any kind made my trip there seem to be a trade of uncertainty for materialism. I took that chance and went back to Rhodes to open the restaurant. That time learned the lessons of good and evil, in ways I can never forget, just ask me.

I went again to Texas for the second time, for the birth of my twin nieces. It made sense with the distance. I saw them all in my dreams before they were born. Another story would be the trip I took to be there, from the island to Athens then NYC then to Athens, and finally to Texas the eve of the twin's birth.

I got to spend the first months of my nephew's first year. I also besides being there for the birth of the twins, I got to the spiritual seminar in Minnesota. waking dreams of what was yet to come. When I walked on the plane back to Greece for the third time, instead of Holland little did I know what was in store? What a surreal experience.

The men I encountered, made me feel that my only purpose in life was for their pleasure. So much so that I forgot that I had a brain or any kind of future, and I became an adept student of love. I was quite shocked and found help in odd places. The Albanians, the bakery owner, St Irene’s monastery, and a few kind folks, I didn't know how dire my situation actually was until after.

The human traffickers offered me financial help if I would sleep with the boatload of Americans. I said no and they tried to kill me. First with some food which was poisoned. I trusted them before I knew what was going on. They led me to the end of the island to accomplish their attack. The bottle broke inside me and I was bleeding everywhere. They mopped up the blood and dropped me in town. Scared, I went to the sea and swam mid-winter. Eventually, I healed.

I found work at the spice factory. Working the balances. Surrounded by the gifts of nature. I found a soul who loved me dearly and gave empty promises. With the help of friends and family, I found my way off the island.

San Deigo I arrived not remembering who I was, how to be American or even human. I can never sleep in the dark, I sleep on the floor when uneasy. I arrived and was starving, scared, stressed, trying to forget the trauma. My college friend didn't realize all that happened from when they visited me in Athens when married and owning the bakery. The journey from Bakery to brothel left only a fraction of me.

Downtown San Diego brought me wonderful things like the rug store. My ex was looking for someone to marry who wouldn't expect too much. I was floating in the physical plane, not understanding what exactly was at stake.

Many who met me at that time, though I was a hopeless wanderer. They didn't know I was completely sober, not even drinking coffee. My heart led me astray and I fell in love and got married. The abuse began and after ten years of marriage, fights, courts, fines, problems I entered another world I never knew. As a foreigner in my own country I was lost, if not for the gift and solace of the rugs, I am certain I might have died.

I at some later point opened the gallery, got my MBA, got divorced, and moved to Coronado to begin again. I made many romantic mistakes in the pursuit of physically erasing my past.

Many years have passed. So many helpers and angels have been by my side. At last, I return to my inner sense, and in some ways my innocence. I had found peace and tranquility living in Coronado, getting into serving others, which brought joy. Then suddenly things changed, love led me astray, even endangering my life.

Felt like the past three years I have been doing penance in Clairemont. Hoping that at last, all those men from the past who think I am only good for one thing will see who I really am and what all I can do.

That I have come back to myself: beautiful soul, bright, lovable, and successful. A painful journey has finally brought me full circle. I am a last back to my inner sense and my innocence.